Hurt Him and You'll Be A Soft Toy
by snorkellingfish
Summary: When Brittany hears that her favourite ex-boyfriend is in a new relationship, she takes it upon herself to make sure that his new boyfriend doesn't hurt him or else. Klaine.


A/N: Originally written for the fluff meme.

* * *

Blaine and Kurt were cuddling in front of the TV when the doorbell rang.

"I'll get it," Kurt sighed, pausing the DVD so that he wouldn't miss anything.

Blaine curled his legs up into the warm spot that Kurt had left on the couch. He listened as Kurt opened the door. There was a moment of silence as Kurt closed it again. Blaine frowned slightly – he hadn't heard Kurt talk to anyone when he answered the door.

Kurt came back into the room, holding a letter. He looked at Blaine blankly. "I think this is for you."

Blaine's name was written on the front in childish handwriting, although it was misspelt 'Blayn'. He carefully ripped it open and raised an eyebrow as he pulled out a perfumed pink sheet of paper.

Kurt shrugged when he saw it as though to say, _Don't ask me, I have no clue_.

The writing inside was different to that on the envelope. It was larger and more angular, with loops so sharp one could almost cut oneself on them. Blaine could tell that the writer didn't care about their stationary – the writing was in a black felt-tip, pressed down carelessly hard – which was at odds with the pretty paper.

He started to read:

_Hi, Kurt's boyfriend person._

_Kurt mentioned you were dating. As Kurt's ex-girlfriend, I need to make sure that you don't hurt him, or I'll set my girlfriend on you, okay? She has sharp teeth, kinda like a shark except they don't cut my tongue when I'm kissing her, while I think kissing a shark might end badly. Anyway, if you do anything to make Kurt sad, she'll hurt you, because Kurt being sad will make me sad and she doesn't like me being sad. (And now she's glaring while she writes this down for me, which is kind of strange, but people do things like that sometimes, so who knows?)_

_Anyway, I know that you're probably not like an evil shark like in that movie where they tried to eat that super-delicious looking giant fruit, cos you're gay, and we all know that gay sharks are really dolphins and dolphins are cuddly. If you turn out to actually be a shark in disguise, like a dolphin in sheep's clothing or something, we'll get back at you with knives and car tires. You know, like we did with Jesse? I don't know if Kurt told you about that, but we made him pay after what he did with Rachel. What we'll do to you will be like a bajillion times worse._

_Or, uh, I know! If you hurt Kurt, I'll give you a terrible facial and make you cry when your skin starts to bleed from that acid stuff – you know, the one with the name like what they put in the swimming pool? You know, that one, cos I'll use it instead of that awesome stuff that Kurt uses. And that'll be super revenge, because you're gay like Kurt so you must like skin care too, right?_

_Or, even better, I'll find a vampire and get him to seduce you and then steal your cat and give it to homeless people._

_So, basically: if you're not a dolphin, I'll set my shark on you to take vegetables on your cat. Okay?  
Thanks._

_We all love you for making Kurt happy. :)  
Brittany._

Blaine held it out to Kurt as though asking for an explanation. Kurt read it and sighed.

"That's Brittany," he explained. "Though I think Santana might have written it down for her, since Brit's still learning her alphabet."

"Did she just threaten to turn my cat into a vegetable?" Blaine asked, before adding, "I don't have a cat."

"She gets words mixed up sometimes," Kurt explained.

Blaine looked at the letter again. "You had a girlfriend?"

Kurt fought the urge to go hide under a table and cry. "Not really—well, once, but it was to try to make my dad—you know, it wasn't really anything, anyway."

"And now she has a girlfriend?"

"Apparently?" Kurt shrugged hopelessly.

Blaine put his arm around Kurt. "Doesn't matter. I'll just have to treat you well, then. Otherwise I'll be eaten by a shark. Or something."

The next day, when Blaine was leaving Breadstix after a date with Kurt, his car didn't start. When he got out to investigate, he discovered that it was because someone had shoved a soft toy sheep in his car's exhaust pipe.

Blaine realised that it was a threat of some kind and while he wasn't quite sure what the threat was about, he made a mental note that he'd have to be extra-careful not to hurt Kurt (not that he wasn't careful anyway). Otherwise he might find himself turned into a soft toy.

Or something.


End file.
